This is a topic that I avoid speaking about in much detail openly and publicly as it pertains to my actual personal life as often as I can. There are a few reasons for this, and I could only imagine other people tend to agree with those reasons without even hearing them with much reinforcement due to the privacy they value within their own lives. A mirrored reflection, really. You more than likely don't care to express these things for the same reasons I don't, but I won't try to speak for you. I'm only imagining that things are this way for the sake of conversation here. So, regardless of all that, I'll make an attempt to leap over this defence of mine in efforts to help someone out there that I know could use some insight, reference, guidance or what have you, that they, themselves, might find beneficial in some form or another. At least, that's what I'm hoping for.
We’ve all taken our fair share of ups and downs within the context of relationships regardless of the type, throughout the duration of our lives – it just happens. You can’t avoid it, you can’t pretend it isn’t happening, it’s there and it’s apparent. That’s okay though, everything evolves and everything changes. The way I see it today, it’d be more concerning if things didn’t, and they stayed placid while everything encompassing that relationship grew and branched off into new areas and avenues that you were meant to explore but never did because you held onto something longer than you should have. These cyclical rollercoaster rides of emotions, discords, entanglements and doubts have their moments but they’re constant. Just as one box gets checked, there’s another creeping about to cause just as much if not more chaos than the last one, whether it was resolved or not. The pressure builds and the weight is unbearable. These chaotic cycles seem to have no natural end, because they feed off those same things that make them exciting to begin with. I’m sure you’ve noticed now that the premise of “excitement” isn’t always viewed as a good thing in my books. The truth is, although it may seem rash, potentially even harsh to some, but for you, as a person – it’s imperative to break these chains in hopes for a brighter tomorrow. There are opportunities that await you on the other side, that even the most subtle, stalest levels of chaos – you know, the one’s you can “live with” - can’t compete with. Fresher futures are there for the picking. The kicker? You must pick them.
You could look back at the past in efforts to help shape a better you, for tomorrow. Counterintuitive to that, you could use that potentially beautiful, life-changing lesson to absolutely destroy yourself as a whole or on a less extreme note, let it destroy you. I prefer the second, if I had a choice and I also recommend the same for everyone else – IF, you had to choose. After all, why would you do that to yourself? (Don’t do that to yourself.) It’s easy to look at your mistakes and falter in relation to self-worth and confidence on such a large scale. The subtlest things could latch on to your state of mind and sit there, accumulating more and more with each thing you reflect on until you stop. Then, you’ll venture off into the world again, forcefully triggered and frozen by every little thing you misinterpret and misunderstand from everyone – that little girl holding her parent’s hand, the bagger at the grocery store, the cab driver asking you questions or even that random person gazing in your direction on the subway. You don’t want this. What you want to take away from it are the key points from where you went wrong, what you did wrong, said wrong and make that conscious effort to be better than the last time around in the future. Notice how I didn’t say you had to be right or wrong, I said to try and be better. That’s it. An effort. It starts there. The reason I’ve found myself in these chaotic cycles and constantly giving to them varied from relationship to relationship. Every situation brought something different to the table. Every situation had a different lesson or on a more shameful note personally, had the same underlying lesson brought forward, with more sh*t piled on top. I wasn’t getting the message, so it came back around… only worse. Repeatedly, in the form of people and the relationships that blossomed and eventually burnt out – sometimes in rather lack luster fashion, other times in a wildfire that not even a weeklong torrential downpour could put out.
There’s going to be the alternative to this, where you aren’t in the wrong but to find that out when you’re reflecting, you must look at yourself first. Everything begins there, with you. From there, you move on to the party at hand standing opposite from you. To connect the dots, you must have all the dots, not just theirs, not just yours. It doesn’t work like that, it never has and to be quite honest with you, it never will. No matter the situation, this is how I approach things today. I learned the hard way, but the lessons stuck with me. Some of these chaotic cycles have come to an end in my life and I’d love that for yours – regardless of who you are and what you’re going through. My best friend for the longest time was a notepad and a pen, the “Notes” app on my iPhone, or in a last-ditch effort, a blank sheet of printer paper and pencil. Connect the dots, step by step, no matter how long it takes, no matter how hard it is.
A few years ago, there was this girl I met in my hometown city. We’d really hit it off and things looked quite promising. Although, there were lots of things still within the shadows – what was brought to the surface was worth the expedition into the unknown. In my books, and hers for that matter – even though she wasn’t the one writing. The problem didn’t start with the two of us, in this circumstance, it was the environment in which we were placed. The people to be specific. This doesn’t mean we were perfect; we had faults and cracks just like everybody else, but they got worse. The opinions, interjections and influences of others didn’t make anything any bit better. Insecurities became outbursts, both in subtle and blatant in nature. Beauty marks became blemishes that were undisguisable. Teasing turned into tactically covered truths, leaving microtears with each punchline delivered. What started out so beautifully had to evolve and end tragically. As a unit, we didn’t even start out as a whole. Not even close. We were already incomplete as individuals, so once the turbulence began through circumstances we couldn’t control – the chaos swallowed us both, entirely. The cycle had begun and unfortunately it took longer for either one of us to realize it. We were both blind to it. As if trying to ignore it was doing either one of us any good on top of the underlying issues we already had that began to poke out in every inopportune moment of our lives from there on in.
Now that I look back today, I can see quite clearly that there was a clear issue with two broken people trying to create something worthwhile together and it wasn’t the fact that we were both broken while we were trying – I’ve seen it work for some. The problem was that we continuously failed to learn the lessons from every chaotic cycle we’d taken part in prior to our encounter that led to the inevitable end. A wiser me would have saw it coming, a younger me didn’t care enough to step back and see where it was all heading. Could I blame the external influences? Sure, but what good would that do, especially now. People are entitled to their opinions and have every right to act in accordance with them however they’d like, no matter how awful the act appears to be or how awful they come across. This is how humans are, inherently selfish, self-serving and self-preserving – or so I thought. The beautiful part is that perspective doesn’t have to hold true forever. I only realized that by looking at myself first and then connecting the dots after. If you’d sit across from me and ask me how I view humans now, I’d say that they’re catious, curious and challenged to see anything differently than what they know to be true, but that can change with the right message, with the right delivery and with the right purpose attached behind it.
I don’t go to that coffee shop anymore. It’s not that the food isn’t great, I still can’t turn down a pastry or well-made sandwich. It’s not that the coffee has changed, whether it’s black and bitter or sweet and soothed – I’d still drink it. It’s not because I don’t like the neighborhood, I’m still guilty of people watching, especially if I’ve got my camera gear handy – you never know what you might see. But It’s because I wanted change. I needed change. The cycle needed to close. A new journey, a new lesson and a new book. Do I have regrets, yes. Did I learn from the mistakes, I’m trying. In the back of my mind, I just knew things couldn’t stay the way they were. Sitting with my laptop and notebook open, staring out the window in hopes of some message wasn’t helping me and if you take the underlying message here, sipping that coffee staring out the window waiting for some ghost to walk by, won’t help you.
Like how breaking free from ties that no longer serve you, that entrap you in chaos, opening yourself up to brighter and fresher futures is the best thing you can do. Whether that’s a frame of mind, taking a new opportunity, gaining a new perspective or even making a new friend. That future must start somewhere, but for it to fulfill its course, you need to be the one to see it through. Nothing in life is handed to you for free and everything that is handed to you and ever was handed to you, has a reason behind it. It’s not necessarily on you to figure that reason out, but it is on you to accept it – for a better tomorrow.
With Love,
Al
P.S. – I genuinely hope this helps. I find that if I’m not able to be vulnerable with you, how could I encourage you to do the same with everyone else? It wouldn’t be right, nor fair. You get what you give, always. But with that being said, I can’t delve into this topic too much again. I’ll save everything for the book.